A flight to remember

Ah ... unfortunately it was nothing like An Affair to Remember.

So ... the original plan was to go back to BsAs for a few days - didn't quite happen.

Rather - spent from 6AM on Wednesday until 100AM on Saturday flying in circles - literally.

How it all began?  Read on ....

AM - Wednesday:  Wheels up Spokane - San Francisco!  Yah!  Because I am going to get to have breakfast with one of my favorites and have some more fabulous coffee (ended up having 3 ... hello WIRED).  After a good catch up and food - headed back to SFO for my 1PM flight to Dulles and then Dulles - BsAs.

1145AM - Wednesday check in at ticket counter with said flight -- "ummm .. I'm sorry but didn't United call you?" was the question.  Me:  "um - no"   United;  "oh - well... ummm .. well - your flight from Dulles to Buenos Aires was cancelled."  Me:  "excuse me?"  United:  "seriously... evidently the volcano cloud is back."   Me:  "so when do I fly out"  United: "tomorrow - same time."  Me:  no words... grabbed back and found nearest bar to have a margarita and sort out appropriate dinner / drink plans.

430AM - Thursday.  Send report to clients.  Happy mood.  Log into United account.  SFO- IAD flight cancelled.  Eh?  Again - no phone call from United (I find out later they are calling some of my friends with updates that were meant for me... sorry guys!!).  I am being re-routed from SFO to Las Vegas and then Las Vegas to IAD / Dulles.  Ok - fine.. I was awake any way.

11AM - Wheels up SFO - Las Vegas.  Land Las Vegas for an hour lay over.  The world takes all kinds of people and they were all literally there at the airport.  WOW. 

1PM - Las Vegas - Dulles.  Flight delayed because pilot wants to double check the radar.  Seriously?  Am I really going to miss my connection.  No cocktail as of yet ... but it is tempting... finally board the plane - and by the time we are wheels up, I realize I am going to be running in my flip flops, computer bag and carry-on.  Joy.  BING!  Vodka, soda please.

10PM - Dulles - Buenos Aires.  Airborne!  Ok - home stretch - 10 hour flight... do it all the time - 2 glasses of wine or champagne, a little dinner and snoozie-snooze.  A bit over an hour into the flight - beverage service started... red wine and a Coke please (blood sugar was a bit low ... odd combo I do realize however).  Take sip of red wine.  Sip of Coke.  A few bounces of turbulence - no big deal... then WHAM.  Air pocket.  Anyone that did not have a seat belt on when flying up in the air.  Cups / liquids - flew up in the air.  Me?  Seat belt on (thank you) and now drenched in red wine and Coke.  Heart in throat.  Nervous laughter from "audience." 

Flight continues ... only injuries were flight attendants.  Oddly enough - no request if there was a doctor on the plane (UNION).  Suddenly the number of slings on flight attendants' arms multiplies (UNION).  Serioulsy, it was a bit comical as to the "drama" of the "pain" was acted out for all passengers to witnes... I mean see.  Enjoy your 6-months off worker bees.

Nibbled on pasta.  Sip of white wine this time.  Night-night.... see you in 7 hours Buenos Aires.

4AM - wake up.  Look out window.  Why is the sun on my side of the plane?  Look at map on TV.  Plane is turning around.  Wait - wait.... Argentina is south kids.  Rub my eyes to make sure I am not dreaming.  Nope - we are definitely headed north.  WTF?!  Shuffle back to where the wounded birds - I mean flight attendants are gathered.  Me:  "excuse me... but is it me or is the plane headed north?"  Wounded big bird:  "we are going to Miami."  Me:  "excuse me"  (normally I would be very happy to be going to Miami - this was not one of those times).  Big bird:  "volcanic cloud has shifted - we are turning around and going to Miami."  Me:  "you are really serious aren't you?"  Big bird - now with a bit more snappish jive head - "um - yes... we are going to Miami."  Me:  "can I have a bloody mary?"  (because we all know alcohol solves so much).

8AM - pilot finally tells everyone we are going to MIAMI.  Me: (in my head):  "welcome to the flight Captain MIA" ... evidently they did not want to wake up the passengers.  Oh?!?!  And having people waking up thinking we are an hour from EZE rather than 2 hours out of Miami is the alternative?!  Clearly I am not qualified for United airline "logic think."  Have I mentioned I have red wine all over me?

Picture of said train wreck .. don't ask me why I thought wearing white track pants and a white Lacoste jacket was appropriate attire to drink red wine and hit air pockets in ....

10AM ... welcome to Miami.  Me (in my head):  "oh blow me."

1030AM .. why is it that gate agents talk to passengers like they are 2 years olds.  "Now - don't forget your boarding passes... or you'll never get back on this airplane."  Me (in my head):  I don't want to get back on this effen airplane.  Where's the bar?

11AM .. found outlet to plug in phone and laptop.  Made friends with this fun, cool married couple that were from Chicago.  Amazing in the matter of 20 minutes how you can become best friends as you commiserate in misery.  She will be my maid of honor at my wedding... oh wait - I cannot even remember her name.  But they did buy me a cup of coffee.  Here's to you cool Chicago peeps - wherever you are and whatever you are named!

1PM .. wheels up Miami - bound for Dulles.  Wait ... wasn't I just at Dulles?  And wait - what do you mean I am not going to earn ANY MILES from this debacle.  I'm not sure which is worse - not getting miles or just the entire experience.  Am seriously thinking the former right now.   New flight attendant crew - no broken birds in this group... they are on call and happy to be here... especially as people are having melt downs and now the flight attendants have turned into crisis care (all sarcasm aside - I thought it was very sweet...).  Flight attendant:  "oh - you want ice with your Coke."  Me:  "that would be great."  Flight attendant:  "I'm sorry but they didn't put any more ice on the plane when we were on the ground."  Me:  "no ice... huh." 

3PM - land Dulles.  It starts to rain and there is lightening.  Guess what plane gets to sit on the tarmac and wait until there hasn't been lightening for 15 minutes before going to the gate.  Yup - score one for the Gipper because you really cannot make any of this up.

Time now does not even matter - it's HELL-O-CLOCK ... off to the Red Carpet Club.  Ticket person (TP): "we have you on the flight tonight to Buenos Aires"  Me: "have you looked at my itinerary."  TP:  "no"  ME: (in my head .. "of course not") .. I am supposed to land in Buenos Aires on Saturday morning now.. maybe and then turn around and leave on Saturday night."  TP:  "oh - do you want to do that?"  Me:  "let me make a phone call..."  (make phone call - as was seriously contemplating ... phone call ends - decision made).  Me: "put me on your first flight to Spokane."  TP:  "there is a 540 flight to Denver."  Me:  "am I upgraded?" (in my head - this is still very important at this time... and yes - I am still wearing my wine stained closed, my Cutty Black whiskey ball cap and generally looking like a crazy person - like that glassy-eyed crazy person).  TP:  "definitely."  Me:  "thank you so much..."  (and yes - I have tears running down my face as I speak these words.. I have now fallen into the emotional black hole vortex).

We have now gone from HELL-O-CLOCK to the BLACK HOLE VORTEX....  enter (keep reading) if you dare.

Red Carpet Club ... Me:  "can I have a bud light" ... bartender - puts a beer down in front of me.  I now proceed to spend at least 30 minutes talking on the phone... tears running down my face and trying to not go down the rabbit hole.  Oh wait.  I have passed the rabbit hole and went straight into the BH vortex.  Lovely.  By this time - I dont even care people are looking at me like "um - do you think she knows she has red wine all over her?"   WHATEVER.

Go to gate for flight ... miracle of all miracles - it is on time.  OF COURSE.

Wheels up and into the 4 hour flight we go ... seat belt light goes off .. I go to use the bathroom - but not before hitting my head on those stupid monitors that come down out of the ceiling (really United - it is DEFINITELY time to upgrade some of those planes).  Flight attendant:  "there is also a bathroom at the back of the 1st class cabin."  Me:  "oh - where.."  Flight attendant points.  Me: "thanks" .. start walking - hit head AGAIN on video screen.  Turn around and just have this look of utter defeat (or craziness).  Flight attendant:  "what's wrong?"  Me: (in my head - where do I even begin?) .. "I've just been on a flight from hell"  Give a short version.  Flight attendant:  "let's get you a drink .. what will you be having?"  Me: (in my head - atta girl... now you are speaking a solution to me):  vodka sound would just be lovely.

Land in Denver.  One more stop.  Log onto laptop - check work email.  Should not have.  Bad, bad move.  Make a phone call.  Terse words.  Frustration.  Friend calls back out of the blue.  PW:  "I made you a reservation at the Ramada - there was only one room left."  Me:  "OMG - you are the best friend ever and I'm sorry I was terse on the phone."   PW:  "yah - yah .. it's the Mayor's suite or the Governor's suite..."  Me:  "as long as there is a bed..."

Oh what is this - FLIGHT IS DELAYED.  This is now my shocked face - no movement, no expression.  Just this pained, numb look.

Wheels up Denver ... talk to guy next to me... he is Mr. Chatty.  I'm trying to follow but my brain is now deadened and fried.  Me:  "I'm sorry but I'm about to fall asleep..."  Seat mate: "Got it ...."  and then there were some other things said but I was down for the count and did not even hear him finish his sentence.

Gentle shake of shoulder ... Emily - we are almost there.  Me:  "what time is it" (mistake number 851).  Flight attendant:  "1245AM"  Me:  silence.

Plane lands.  I sprint to the Ramada.  Igor (not kidding) - checks me in.  Hands me key - asks me to sign paperwork.  Me: "I cannot even speak the human language right now" (I think I meant to say English but Igor "got me").  Igor hands me my keys.  To the Governor's Suite I go....

I should have taken a picture .. words cannot do this justice.  2 separate rooms - tacky wet bar.  Go to bedroom (open spaces up above the walls because there is no air unit for heat / AC in the bedroom "suite").  Turn around and gasp.  There are mirror slits pieced together along one wall and a circa-1980s soaking tub.  Me?  I start laughing like a maniac - which only makes me more tired... can honestly say I've never laughed myself to sleep - but that is indeed what happened.

CONCLUSION (finally):  I'm back in Sandpoint.  Blue skies, sunshine - it is stunning... and the highlight - is that I think I got the red wine out of my clothes. 

YOU MAY CALL ME LAUNDRY QUEEN!